Hawaiians Upset About Incoming Missile False Alarm

Author: Island Correspondent

Tue Jan 16 2018

Residents of the Hawaiian islands are going to have a difficult, uphill climb, recovering from the false missile alert that occurred early Saturday morning. The islands are in complete chaos, especially in the more populated areas where access to technology made the threat of impending nuclear annihilation immediately known to the greatest number of people.

Many residents immediately sold off their stocks, cashed in insurance policies, went on wild spending sprees, rioting and looting, etc. Some others like Mrs. Akamu Alika, told her husband what she really thought of him. Others decided it was a good time to pick up old habits like drinking and smoking again.

"I figured, what the hell, I may as well smoke this entire pack right now.", said one resident.

When the report was suddenly said to be nothing more than an error, millions of Hawaiian residents had to suddenly stop rioting and partying down their last moments on Earth and realize that they, in fact, were not all about to die.

Many lives are now ruined over this debacle, as a number of residents like Mr. Ioane Kalani spent their entire life savings on cocaine, cigarettes, and alcohol, and now have nothing to live on.

Considering how much damage was caused in the 45 minutes until the mistake was corrected, Hawaiian officials are considering removing the alert system entirely. An actual nuclear strike would have caused less misery.